how to write your band's bio:

step 1 - start with information about your early years that nobody really cares about but that you have to put in there because otherwise the bio is thin and it's completely obvious how unsuccessful you really are.

ex. slow runner started in 2003 when singer/songwriter michael flynn and multi-instrumentalist josh kaler began musically fornicating together after college.

ex. one night while walking through the woods michael and josh pulled a sword from a stone and the curtains of heaven opened up and they simultaneously realized their musical destiny involved casio, loud drums, and short pop songs about girls.

step 3 - puff your chest out and list accomplishments no matter how insignificant they might be.

ex. michael flynn almost won the john lennon songwriting scholarship in 2001. then he did win the flat rock music festival songwriting contest, then he and kaler made 'no disassemble', formed a full band, and signed a deal with j records in 2005.

step 4 - totally ignore inexplicable gaps in the narrative of the bio.

ex. what happened to our deal with j records? shut up. what happened to your mom, that's the real question assholes. move along, there's nothing to see here!

step 5 - start name-dropping like you're trying to get into the v.i.p. room at tonic on a friday night. this step is extremely important.

ex. slow runner has toured with folks like josh ritter, the damnwells, say anything, built to spill, gomez, sam roberts band, and evan dando, as well as had their music featured on shows like greys anatomy and one tree hill.

step 6 - mention the new guys.

ex. michael and josh are now lucky enough to be playing with jonathan gray (formerly of jump little children) on bass and scott baumil (formerly of the young republicans) on guitar. [notice the extra name-dropping i snuck in there with parenthesis? bonus points!]

step 7 - mention the new product you're trying to shove down people's ears. make it sound badass.

ex. with their newest records, 'shiv!' and 'mermaids', slow runner takes their sound to a new level with flynn's deepest songwriting yet and enough musical tricks and turns to make brian wilson blush. it's loud and ornery, but sophisticated and elegant too. like a brilliant 14-year-old debutante with a drinking problem.

do all that, mix it up, sprinkle some basil on top, BAM! you've got a bio. see how easy that is?